Automated Greeting

I've never understood how "Hi, how are you?" has become the standard greeting in corporate America. And yet, when walking down the hall, it's the obligatory phrase used by 90% of people. Don't get me wrong--for the few who actually ask while in a standing position (e.g., at your desk or in a meeting or the lunchroom), it's usually well-intentioned and offered because they're trying to initiate a conversation. Even if it is a bit mundane, at least it gets both parties talking and maybe leads to another topic you have in common. This is a good thing.

The ones that baffle me are when two people walking in opposite directions (insert pre-algebra word problem here about a train leaving Philadelphia at 70 mph passing a train from New York going 57 mph...) and instead of just a pleasant "Hi!" or "Hello!" or "Good morning!", out comes the parasitic attachment "...how are you?" And yet, they keep walking. I mean, really! How much of an answer can they want to hear in the 4 seconds before you're both out of conversational distance?

Here's how the response is supposed to work . . . all you have time for is a general

"I'm [insert 'ok', 'fine', 'good', or 'great', followed by the
appropriate day's phrase--see below]! How about you?"

All must give a very general impression that you're doing well, but not too well, so the other person doesn't have to uncomfortably stop to ask why your state of being is outside the norm--because that wouldn't fit into allotted hallway conversation time! Therefore, "Fine!" and "Ok!" must be said with exclamation points in order to add the chipper up-tone at the end of the sentence, and "Good" or "Great" must have a carefully monotone inflection to denote things are just dandy but that there is no recent activity which the other person needs to ask about. Also taboo is switching it up (such as the grammatically correct, which I prefer, "I'm well, thank you." Yes, I know, if I were truly a stickler I wouldn't have said "you" throughought this whole rant, but phrases like "one's own desk" just get stuffy, so I refuse. Call it creative license if you must.). Any variation causes a double-take while the other person tries to process a response other than the automatic one they were expecting.
If both of you are walking slowly though, and someone asks the question while they're still far away, just a swap of "I'm good. How are you?" "Fine!" doesn't fill enough walking time until the two of you pass. Then the daily countdown phrase must be inserted for the corporate version of comedic affect (anyone seen Office Space?)

• Monday - "Good, for a Monday!"
• Tuesday - "Still feels like Monday!"
• Wednesday - "Halfway through the week!"
• Thursday - "It's almost Friday!"
• Friday - "Ready for the weekend!"

Am I cynical? Yes, I suppose, about this. I just hate being insincere or running on autopilot in my interactions with people.