Below Average Joe

Java, jitter juice, cuppa joe, morning mud, wakey juice…all names for that sweet elixir of morning life, coffee.

I’m sure in some etiquette guide from the 50’s, the ability to make a perfect cup of coffee is the sign of a successful hostess, but if that is the only criteria I fear I’m doomed to fail miserably.

I could blame the way I was raised—the only coffee ever prepared in our house was for the occasional guests from out of town that stayed overnight. Even then, the most likely scenarios included a jar of instant Folgers crystals or the old (or maybe I’m just remembering it in 80’s Technicolor), tiny four-cupper coffee maker which depended on multiple miracles for the potential of coffee grounds or filters in the house. In fact, I remember the presence of coffee more frequently at church potlucks. I discovered quickly that I didn’t like it black, but no matter how much sugar I poured into it, or that powdered white product that claims to be something that used to be dairy-related, it didn’t seem to improve it beyond a weak, bitter brew that never held any interest for me.

The coffee aisle in the grocery store though…now, THAT was as far on the other end of the spectrum as you could get. Whenever we shopped as a family, I loved darting into that aisle and pausing in awe next to those plastic dispenser bins with a vast array of coffee beans just waiting to be ground. I’d close my eyes and take the deepest breath I could possibly manage, trying to inhale the earthy smell all the way to my toes. The aroma sings a siren song full of promise—alluring and delicious-- calling to passersby with the rich smell of Arabian blends or South American specialties. I was confounded by the incredible difference between that delicious collection of smells and the horrible liquid that had been all I’d ever experienced of coffee.

During the 2nd semester of my freshman year of college, I met Ambassador Liz. Although she never stood on the formality of her title and insisted I just call her Liz, she was an enthusiastic representative of her homeland and patiently opened my eyes to the wonder of her origins, Coffee Land (aka Seattle). As far as I know, at the time she was the only person in the girls dorm to have an espresso machine in her room, and she used it all the time! She let me try sips of her different concoctions, and opened my eyes to the potential of flavored liquid creamers. Next, she shifted my interest to raspberry white chocolate mocha frappuccinos. My, that was a nice phase. But gradually I shifted to vanilla lattes, and now my favorite toffee nut lattes, or iced toffee nut lattes without ice. If you’ll notice, those last 4 are all sourced out of Starbucks, which I really should just buy stock in so at least I’d be paying myself back whenever I made purchases there.

I’ve tried to make coffee at home, but the variations confound me. First, there are multiple tools to choose from for brewing it—percolator, French press, filter drip, espresso machine, stovetop espresso, etc. And of the most common drip machines, you can also choose a paper filter (for ease of cleaning) or gold filter (so the most flavorful oils don’t get filtered out by the paper). Next, brand and flavor of bean can vary greatly, as there are different philosophies about the length of time a bean should be roasted to produce ideal flavor (has everyone in the world ever agreed on the categorization of “ideal” for ANYTHING?). After that landmine, choosing how fine the bean should be ground is dependent on the brewing method--the faster the brew (such as espresso), the smaller the beans must be ground. Separate but also dependent on the brewing method, you have to choose the ratio of grounds to water for brewing. Once you finally managed to perform alchemy and get some form of the black gold into your cup (mug, traveler’s mug, or thermos anyone?), then comes the challenge of balancing the strength of the brew with some variation of creamer, half & half and sugar.

I can’t even play Lemonade Tycoon without finding a walkthrough that outlines the recipe for the perfect cup. And for that game, you only have to balance lemons, sugar and water. But how do you know if a cup needs 1 lemon, 2 sugars? Or 2 lemons, 4 sugars? Or 4 lemons, 1 sugar? Throw in 7 variables, and I still haven’t hit on quite the right combination. Maybe in 5 years I’ll be able to get it down.

In the meantime, if anyone wants to come visit me in Florida, I can promise there are no Folgers crystals in my apartment, and I know where the 5 closest Starbucks are, so you don’t have to be a test subject in my impromptu coffee lab.